Lieutenant Scanlon pays an unwelcome visit to the 12th precinct to investigate the origins of an anonymous letter sent by an officer who admits to being a homosexual. Barney doesn't see the issue, but homophobic Scanlon is itching to weed out the author of the letter, and decides to question each officer of the 12th precinct in hopes finding out who it is. During the investigation Barney finds out, in confidence, that it is Officer Zetelli but refuses to tell Scanlon. Meanwhile, a frustrated office worker is arrested when he destroys the MUSAK system in his office because he believes that it is delivering subliminal messages. Written by Jerry Roberts armchairoscars@hotmail.com

A prisoner claims to be Jesus Christ. A drug dealer is caught with a large stash. An elderly mugger poses as a photographer to entice lonely women.

The detectives are preoccupied with Barney's posted vacation schedules. A string of false alarms suggests that a sniper may be after a cop. A man won't donate a kidney to his ailing brother.

A monk suffers a transgression with a prostitute. Dietrich may not be ideal for mugging detail, especially if in drag.

Harris objects to the fact that the Burmese chauffeur being arrested for a traffic accident is actually an indentured servant.

A bookstore owner is angry when a strip club opens near his store. A man is convinced that he is on the verge of spontaneous combustion.

The clerk that sold Wojo a sick bird changes his strict no-return policy when he learns that the detective is a police officer. A suicide hot line operator becomes suicidal. Harris's book publication is interrupted when Dietrich refuses to sign a release. Written by James D. Lankin

A former master criminal becomes incoherent following his lobotomy. A victim is unable to use the telephone to report being mugged because he's Amish.

A judge overrules an attorney by hitting him on the head with a gavel. A woman reports crimes that actually happen on soap operas.

The squad searches for a viral strain stolen from a lab. A woman is convinced that her husband is really a clone.

A detective goes undercover to trap a dentist with instruments that seem to go missing. One man's hands are a nuisance to others and a musical instrument to himself.

Weary apartment dwellers band together to catch a burglar. A census taker takes drastic measures to count an unco-operative target.

Harris poses as a vagrant to go undercover to solve a string of crimes, and then he disappears. A woman wants Wojo or Dietrich to make a baby with her.

Harris disappears while going undercover as a vagrant. Luger chooses to be demoted rather than to retire.

Marty's friend Mr. Driscoll tries to reclaim his son by kidnapping him from a playground. A self-proclaimed time traveler advises Harris to adjust his stock portfolio.

A rash of unusual robberies leads to an eccentric gun collector. A man who is trying to recover his television set robs the police vault. Wojo fears that a depressed Luger is planning to commit suicide.

The staff serve the annual department-mandated ritual day in uniform, except Harris who wears his customary three-piece suit.

Dietrich is arrested for participating in an anti-nuclear rally. A lottery winner dispenses of his prize money by throwing it out a window. Barney discovers he can't afford his apartment now that it is being converted into a condominium.

Harris is assigned to book Dietrich, whose arrest earns a visit from Internal Affairs. A nuclear engineer is arrested for splashing participants with atomic water.

An architect decides to blow up his own building.

An inventor steals the plans for his own invention. The squad tries hypnosis to uncover the name of a criminal that Wojo can't remember.

Barney is discouraged at being passed over yet again for promotion to the rank of deputy inspector.