We watch the Onion News, America's Finest News Source, with Dana Dobbs, Senior Correspondent Kip Kendall, and award-winning anchor Norm Archer. In addition to watching the news, we see the program's commercials, some commentary on the film as it proceeds, and we watch some terrorists in training. Behind the scenes, Onion News's corporate owner, Global Tetrahedron, seeks synergy by promoting its other products within Norm's news broadcast. Norm doesn't like it, especially when a toy penguin (think Energizer Bunny) waddles across his desk promoting a Global Tetrahedron film starring Steven Seagal. But Norm may end up needing Steven's help. Written by jhailey@hotmail.com

Martin Blank is a freelance hitman who starts to develop a conscience, which causes him to muff a couple of routine assignments. On the advice of his secretary and his psychiatrist, he attends his 10th year High School reunion in Grosse Pointe, Michigan (a Detroit suburb where he's also contracted to kill someone). Hot on his tail are a couple of over-enthusiastic federal agents, another assassin who wants to kill him, and Grocer, an assassin who wants him to join an "Assassin's Union." Written by Afterburner aburner@erols.com