We watch the Onion News, America's Finest News Source, with Dana Dobbs, Senior Correspondent Kip Kendall, and award-winning anchor Norm Archer. In addition to watching the news, we see the program's commercials, some commentary on the film as it proceeds, and we watch some terrorists in training. Behind the scenes, Onion News's corporate owner, Global Tetrahedron, seeks synergy by promoting its other products within Norm's news broadcast. Norm doesn't like it, especially when a toy penguin (think Energizer Bunny) waddles across his desk promoting a Global Tetrahedron film starring Steven Seagal. But Norm may end up needing Steven's help. Written by jhailey@hotmail.com

Sweet suburban teen Amanda is introduced by her new friends to prescription drug-sharing, but the recreational fun soon leads her to a life-altering heroin addiction.

Brooklyn cop Gino Felino is about to go outside and play catch with his son Tony when he receives a phone call alerting him that his best friend Bobby Lupo has been shot dead in broad daylight on 18th Avenue in front of his wife Laurie Lupo and his two kids by drug kingpin Richie Madano, who has been Gino and Bobby's enemy since childhood. As Gino is hunting Madano down, Gino discovers the motive behind Bobby's murder. This is when Gino's hunt for Madano leads to the showdown of a lifetime. Written by Todd Baldridge sandib@eastky.com

Marine officer Alexandra is tough enough to kick any guy's ass in a bar fight, but there's one opponent she can't beat: military policy. When she returns to her conservative hometown from Iraq with a mysterious personal life, she finds herself charged with preparing a tempestuous teenage girl to boot camp. Written by Outfest Film Festival

Helen is a young woman running a hairdressing salon; Bob is her boyfriend and local radio DJ; Honda is a mute kid who's secretly taping people's conversation and Smokey is Honda's sister who sings at local bar. New guy in town is the mysterious Martin, who shares some dark history with Helen and observes her from afar at first. Honda falls in love with Helen and starts taping her conversations with Bob, and that leads to reactivation of the Helen-Martin relationship. Written by Anonymous

The uneventful life of the businessman Charles Driggs suddenly changes when he meets the wild and sexy Lulu. When he accepts her offer to drive him back to his office, she instead takes him out of town and on a trip, leaving behind his old life. Posing as a married couple, Charles and "Audrey" (which turns out to be Lulu's real name) visit her mother and her high school reunion. At this reunion they meet Audrey's violent ex-husband Ray, who has just released from prison. When Ray makes it clear that he wants Audrey back, that is when the real trouble begins. Written by Leon Wolters wolters@strw.LeidenUniv.nl

An odd film, primarily looking at how the dole affects the underclass in Britain. Tim Roth stars as Colin, a slow and possibly intellectually disabled man living with his parents and brother in a housing project. He and his sarcastic manipulative brother still behave like teenagers, living with their parents, harassing each other. The problem is that they are in their late teens or twenties. Neighborhood characters include Hayley, a young woman with a crush on Colin, and Coxy (Gary Oldman) a violent local skinhead who befriends Colin. Trouble ensues when their wealthy aunt gives Colin a job and his brother becomes jealous. Written by Don Smith dsmith@health.org

Win a game, win your destiny. This is the opportunity given to Aaron Carlson when his dreams of law school are failing at every step. He doesn't have the grades, he doesn't have the money, he doesn't have the connections to become a lawyer. But a respected judge is moved by his mock trial talent and offers him an opportunity to achieve something extraordinary: win a national chess tournament. Win a game, and win his destiny. Written by Anonymous

Five bored suburban rich kids set off to the inner city to seek out fame by creating an evening so shocking that their camera phone footage will turn them into instant Internet celebrities. After they are rivaled by another gang and intimidated by their on-line idol, they are forced to take their mischief up a notch if they want to make a name for themselves. But what will they risk losing in doing so? Watch their cell phone footage to find out... This ground-breaking film asks the perennial question posed by youth worldwide: "How far would you go to be famous?..." Written by Anonymous

A bored wife, who is planning to run away from her minister husband, is taken hostage in a bank robbery. However, she sees the thrill in being involved in the chase and becomes an accomplice to helping the younger robber escape his pursuers. As things progress, she learns he pulled the robbery to get enough money to help his pregnant girlfriend leave a home for unwed mothers. The two have a brief flirtation, but it is clear the housewife just needs something to enliven her life. Written by John Sacksteder jsackste@bellsouth.net

A California congressman's wife and daughter are abducted and held hostage in a historic hotel and Logan McQueen (Reynolds) is rushed to the scene to assist his former partner, Charlie Duffy (Durning), who has been taken captive trying to broker the ransom deal. McQueen must risk his life to face the cunning killer (Carradine) and save the hostages and his long-time friend. Written by Ary Luiz Dalazen Jr. ajr@fortalnet.com.br

Lawyer Eddie Serrano is extremely busy, yet the widower tries to be there whenever his daughter Naomi needs parental support. When a parent volunteer from her scouts troop falls ill last moment, he volunteers to take her place during a field camp. Alas, it's run in military style by the tyrannical Miss Hulka, who can't appreciate Eddie's pragmatic approach. Nerdy Harry Matthews, who was supposed to stand in at the law firm, passes by with some papers but gets involved in the scheming which mainly opposes Naomi's troop and rival Skylar's. Written by KGF Vissers

Explosive conversational comedy based on the successful theater plays, which takes place one evening in a remote local pub, during the match of Ice Hockey World Championship. What can happen and can be told, when the kidnapped bride is getting drunk together with the best woman of her husband and experienced barmaid and the only one, who is able to stop and save everything, is not coming.

Princess Ariana fights for the return of her lost Kingdom and the liberation of her people. With the help of her mentor Taraka she fights the hordes of Xanthos and the evil sisters of Zurii.

A razor sharp comedy all about relationships and red tape. Kreso is at a loose end. A fully qualified biologist, he's about to hit middle age, disillusioned, out of work and stuck in a marriage that should probably never have started. At least his son still looks up to him. Meanwhile, the country's cash-strapped government is busily looking for unique ways to save money, and now, over 20 years after the 1990's war, sets its sights on the widows of fallen soldiers. Anyone unmarried but in a new relationship will no longer be allowed a military pension. Enforcing such an unpopular measure requires a new department: The Ministry of Love, whose purpose will be to gather information on any widows breaking the new law. With nothing to lose, Kreso agrees to be put forward by his pushy father in law. The only problem is, together with his eccentric partner, Sikic, he's completely the wrong man for the job.

A domineering mother with a seemingly perfect family in Argentina, is unaware of a taboo relationship happening with her youngest twin children.

HOUSE OF THADDEUS is a drama about the reality of living in a place with a dark past. A couple buys a beautiful old house not knowing its troubled history -- one that includes mass murder and enigmatic residents. When word gets out that the house is again occupied, strangers start arriving unannounced -- all of whom want or need something from the house. The wife welcomes these visitors but the husband rejects them, leading to a deep division in their marriage and ending with a disturbing revelation. Written by Anonymous

A crack-addicted prostitute and a nun get stuck on an elevator. One is going to, one is coming from, a meeting with a killer. In a seedy hotel, battered prostitute Leslie flees the scene of a crime only to get trapped on the elevator with young Sister Amelia. When no one responds to their cries for help, they reluctantly turn to each other. Leslie starts smoking crack and goes from standoffish, to giddy, to ferociously hostile at the drop of a hat. The unlucky sister learns more than she wants about the violent crime Leslie has just perpetrated. Tensions mount as Leslie pries into Sister Amelia's private affairs and they discover a shared secret that binds them together in a macabre and surreal plot involving a talking handbag and a Catholic bishop. It's a dark, hallucinatory ride with powerful performances and supernatural thrills that goes straight to the heart of a girl on her way to Hell. Written by Anonymous

Kate (Helfer), a driven accounting executive, heads to Cancun with her boyfriend Eric, an equally ambitious land development executive, for some much-needed rest and relaxation. But the getaway they agreed would be 90 percent romance and just 10 percent work becomes anything but that. Upon arrival, Eric learns a prominent real estate developer is a guest in their resort. Wanting to seize the opportunity for potential business, Eric chases this new venture and leaves Kate to her own devices time and again. Luckily, Shep (Campbell), the resort's activities director, is an old friend of Kate's from her camp counselor days and more than willing to help fill her solo hours with fun and adventure. As the old friends spend more time together and reconnect, Kate is reminded of dreams she used to have and finds herself wondering if it's time to change course. Written by anonymous

FIEND FATALE is an epic horror-adventure proof-of-concept short film, about five sisters, a vampire, zombie, werewolf, demon and mermaid, cloned from the DNA of extinct monsters, thrust into the modern world and facing off against the government, terrorists and themselves. Written by Steven Shea

Diana, a stubborn mermaid, is determined to bring justice to the men who killed her merman father. Never having lived out of water before, she enlists the help of her two sisters (already living on land) to track down the murderers. Diana finds that her sister, Venus, is an aquatic dancer in a seedy bar who was forced into the position by the evil bar owner who has taken Venus' magic tiara, giving him ultimate control of her. June, the third sister, works at the local aquarium and is able to recruit the help of her friend, and love interest, Randy, a coast guard officer, to help the mermaids track down their father's killers. The sisters join forces and along the way, discover how difficult it is to be a fish out of water, and how meaningful sisterhood is. Written by Anonymous

This is a meaningful action-comedy of a wheelchair-bound assassin gang. Driven by despair and fear of becoming useless, a 20 year-old boy, his friend, and an ex-fireman offer their services to the mafia. But things are not what they seem. The boundaries between reality and fiction blur and the story becomes a whirling kaleidoscope showing us gangsters and gunfights, but also the challenge of life in a wheelchair and the pain caused by a father's rejection.

It's the end of the school year. The long-awaited moment of summer vacation has arrived. Little Nicolas, his parents, and Grandma head to Hotel Beau-Rivage by the seaside. On the beach, Nicolas quickly makes a new set of friends: there's Blaise, who isn't on vacation because he lives in the area, Fructueux, who likes everything, even fish, Djodjo, who doesn't speak like them because he's English, Crépin, who cries all the time, and Côme, who always wants to be right and who is very annoying. But Nicolas also gets to know Isabelle, a little girl who always looks at him with big, round and worried eyes, and who Nicolas believes his parents want to force him to marry. Misunderstandings accumulate, blunders begin. One thing's for sure: for everyone, this will be an unforgettable vacation. Written by AnonymousB

In 17th century Paris, a dashing swordsman named D'Artagnan finds himself at odds with the powerful forces taking over France. He sets out to avenge the murder of his parents and finds his country cleaved by chaos and civil unrest. His heart softens only for Francesca, a fiery peasant girl who claims D'Artagnan's heart on sight. Written by Sujit R. Varma

When a group of friends get stranded on a seemingly deserted island, they soon realize that they're not alone.

As the apocalypse evolves, US Marshals are sent to a remote farmhouse in Colorado to retrieve a scientist in the Witness Protection Program who may hold the key to solving the unfolding pandemic.

A remote fishing village in Iceland. Teenage boys Thor and Christian experience a turbulent summer as one tries to win the heart of a girl while the other discovers new feelings toward his best friend. When summer ends and the harsh nature of Iceland takes back its rights, it's time to leave the playground and face adulthood. Written by SF Studios

Víctor is a thief who is contacted by members of the Russian mob for a robbery. Intriguished about it and receiving the usual visits of Helena, a girl who works as stripper and prostitute for the mob, Víctor distrusts about his new friends and the plan to steal the bank. In a meeting with them, Víctor realizes that the target is the Banco de Crédito Suizo (Swiss Credit Bank), and the amount is about 30,000,000 euros, guarded in the safe-box. But the plan complicates after to know the driver for the robbery, Rápido, a junkie who knows the true about Víctor. Just when both match together the mobsters, an especial operative of Interpol kill the mobsters and arrest Víctor, who previously let escape Rápido. During the interrogatory, a lieutenant from Spanish Policía Nacional appears to reveal that Víctor was really working as undercover cop in order to investigate and arrest Russian mob top. With the cover-up terminated, Víctor faces an Internal Affairs investigation by an assassination ... Written by Chockys

Sherry, a self-destructive makeup saleswoman, hopes a new man and business venture will provide her a fresh start. After her plans are foiled, she takes control of her life in a dramatic turn of events.

In this singular exploration of legacy, love, loss, and the enormity of existence, a recently deceased, white-sheeted ghost returns to his suburban home to try to reconnect with his bereft wife.

When a university student goes missing, her mother a former cop goes in search for her. What she encounters is a wall of academia bureaucracy and coverups that point to an abuse of authority stemming all the way to the government.

Reagan, a 14-year-old girl, is grounded by her parents after they find her sending suggestive selfies to boys at school. Her loneliness and resentment draws the attention of a 22-year-old medical assistant who becomes an outlet for her rebellious desires. However, what started as a seemingly innocent friendship with an older man is soon revealed to be something dangerous; as Reagan begins to learn that her first encounter with this man wasn't by chance, and that he has a terrifying plan for their future.