Alfie Wickens is a slacker teacher,always hung over on Mondays,despised by his class and perpetually in trouble with stern deputy head Miss Pickwell. He falls for pleasant new teacher Rosie Gulliver but finds he has a rival for her in trendy headmaster Fraser. At the parents' evening Rosie plans a charity appeal on behalf of Palmers' Syndrome and Alfie claims to be an expert on it to impress her. However he fails when the supposed victim turns up to expose him as a liar. Written by don @ minifie-1

Fraser asks Alfie to supervise the incoming group of French exchange students with instructions not to duplicate last year's disaster when randy French boy Jean Claude disgraced himself. As a result the staff have to teach sex education with varying results. In fact the visitors are Dutch and their most attractive and articulate member shows Alfie up in a class debate,not only as a liar but a virgin. At least Rosie feels sorry for him. Written by don @ minifie-1

Violent computer game Tokyo Sin is all the rage and the pupils are copying its most dangerous move,the blitz kick. To impress Miss Gulliver Alfie aims to stamp out the craze by declaring a weapons amnesty,bribing his class to bring weapons to school,though none are forthcoming. When an outbreak of blitz kicks attracts bad press publicity Fraser brings in a crazed South African self defence teacher to show the pupils how to prevent a fight. This involves Alfie as his guinea pig,requiring the class to rescue him. Written by don @ minifie-1

After his innocent school trip to The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009) the previous year, Alfie is relegated to assisting Rosie Gulliver as, driven by the enterprising Frank, they take the kids to the Tring Ink Museum and Petting Zoo. The place is a shambles, the pupils bored and Rosie incensed by a caged pig. To impress her Alfie frees the animal but accidentally runs it over when Frank asks him to drive the coach, which breaks down as a result. After Alfie has got everybody lost in the woods, Rosie rounds on him but relents when he gets a group of doggers to rescue them. Maybe they should have gone on Fraser's outing to a rap contest instead - or Miss Pickwell's trip to the abattoir. Written by don @ minifie-1

The school prepares to play local public school Middleton House at football and Faser appoints Alfie as team coach. After the first and second teams refuse to deal with him Alfie is reduced to asking his class to field a side against the school where he was once bullied and whose sports master Humpage still humiliates him. The first half goes badly but the team rallies after a pep talk from Alfie,ending in a draw. Miss Pickwell,who wanted a job at Middleton House is displeased and the real reason for Humpage's feud with Alfie is made known. Written by don @ minifie-1

The elections are underway for school president. Handsome brain-box David Millbank and thuggish Tory Grayson seem to be clear winners so Alfie puts forward tubby class virgin Joe for the sympathy vote. At the same time Fraser is suspended after accidentally downloading a pornographic Internet viral and Miss Pickwell is sure that she is going to replace him. Fortunately,in the course of a little computer hacking to discredit the front runners Alfie's class discovers that Pickwell has a guilty and totally dishonest secret that will certainly scotch her plan. Written by don @ minifie-1