The day starts badly for Nick when a runaway car drives over and explodes a device and gets worse when Towerblock challenges him to a weapons test where, despite attempted bribery, he fails. Fortunately he has one last shot - literally. Meanwhile Bird and Simon fall out when Smith lends them a copy of 'The Art of War', which gets torn. They learn that neither of them has succeeded in learning the art, the only winner being Faruq, who sold the lieutenant-colonel a cheap copy of the book. Mac wins the camp's filthiest bastard award for catching crabs whilst having sex with twins but the trophy is withdrawn when it turns out he caught them from his father via a towel. He does however have a novel way to get the award back. Written by don @ minifie-1

Nick is not happy to find the latest team member is Steve Nuttall, alias Nutsack, the man who caused Nick to split with his girlfriend after having sex with her. This makes for an uneasy working relationship, though they ultimately call a truce. Mac is teased and accused of being a closet gay which he strongly denies whilst Bird's monthly party night clashes with Mary's film show and when Mary's projector is stolen she is quick to make an accusation. However the lieutenant colonel is the actual culprit and he intervenes to provide a compromise. Bird's party night goes ahead though it appears that the real gay boy is Mac's fellow private Rocket. Written by don @ minifie-1

When Mac learns that his father is dating his ex-girlfriend nobody sympathizes and Mary has to make him see that his cynical attitude has brought it on himself. Meanwhile there is an infestation of rats and the unit sets out to shoot them though Rocket saves one, which he keeps as a pet. Nick finds a nice quiet place on a roof to do his paper-work but it turns out to be the colonel's hideaway where he grows tulips and bakes pizzas. Bird accuses them of elitism but everybody pulls together when there is an enemy attack and as a reward the colonel invites them to a roof-top barbecue but unfortunately Rocket's pet has escaped and is nibbling the tulips - a capital offence. Written by don @ minifie-1

Smith is not pleased when, following a fire caused by the lads' barbecue, Colin Walters, the Secretary of State for Defence, comes to visit. Mary, despite initial hostility, turns out to be a fan of his and offers to show him around the base. Nick is jealous but Colin is enthusiastic and wants to be hands-on. At the same time the team has to deal with Ahmed, an over-enthusiastic local, who keeps bringing them unexploded bombs. Nick hopes to use him to scare off Colin but reckons without his driving a lethal car bomb into the compound. However it does the trick where Colin is concerned. Written by don @ minifie-1

Whilst Tower Block resents being subject to class distinction Bird gets fed up with Mary and Nick constantly going on about each other and suggests they have sex to get things out of their systems. Unknown to her they plan to simulate sex and for her to walk in on them but the plan goes awry. In the event Nick tells Bird that he and Mary indeed had afternoon delight and bribes her to keep quiet by promising not to mention Mary to her again. Tower Block's effort to get one over on the colonel fails whilst the unfriendly rivalry between Simon and Mac becomes dangerous when they start playing a gun-based computer game for real. Written by don @ minifie-1

The team survives a terrorist attack and an unexploded bomb but Nick berates Simon, whose gun has jammed again. In fact he has lost the firing pin and wrongly suspects that Rocket and Mac stole it. When they find it they fear he will accuse them of its theft so they put it in his cup of tea - which of course he drinks. Nick meanwhile goes after the bomber, whom he locates after having to eat a sheep's eyeball with the village elders. He is weary and turns to Mary for comfort but she reminds him of their sex ban after Bird has told her that Nick only loves one person, himself. The team then gets into the lorry for another job but hits an obstacle on the way... Written by don @ minifie-1